It still baffles my mind how this disease plays such a toll on your mental health.
For myself I don’t suffer generalized anxiety or any mental health issues; however this disease is slowly trying to change that.
The first 2 days we were here I was symptom free; it was a glorious 2 days.
During those 2 days I started to have serious conversation with myself;
“Maybe my thoracic symptoms aren’t endo related, maybe they are stress related and since I am away from the day to day stress I no longer have the symptoms.”
“Maye this is all in my mind set and maybe it is hormonally induced anxiety attacks and since I am on vacation and not feeling anxious explains why I am not symptomatic.”
That all came halt when we were at the beach and I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t get comfortable, I felt so unwell that I couldn’t tell you what hurt or what didn’t feel good and where because it was so overwhelming from head to toe.
It’s just crazy that after 17 years I can still sit here and doubt myself, I can still sit here and doubt my disease.
It’s crazy that after 2.5 years I can still sit here and doubt my thoracic symptoms and make them something they aren’t.
It really goes to show you how much doubt, how much doctors have dismissed us, how much we aren’t heard for so long, when we in fact have definitive answers and yet we still question them.
We still ask ourselves the “but what if…”
I have been confirmed and surgically diagnosed with pelvic endo and at the time 2.5 years ago during my last surgery it was on my bladder, pelvic walls and pouch of douglas.
I do not have a surgically confirmed diagnosis of my thoracic symptoms; however that is going to happen September 19 2019.
I go in for VATS and excision in September. It will be the first lung surgery I have and to say I am nervous is an understatement, but it’s not even being nervous for surgery,
its being nervous of them not finding anything.
Of them going in and coming out and saying “Everything is immaculate” at that point what do we do?
Logically I know the chances of that are slim however there is a chance, But I guess we will cross that road when we get there.