I assume my illness is at the point where it starts to become an inconvenience for others around me.
It was brought to my attention the other day that an old friend of mine was upset with me.
She was upset of the fact that our friendship wasn’t what it used to be.
She was upset of the fact that a phone call didn’t get returned.
She was upset of the fact that we aren’t as close as we used to be.
Her theory as to why this has happened was “I guess thats what happens as you get older and people just grow apart and I guess its time to put the big girl pants on and deal with the reality of it.”
Sometimes I have the patients and energy to spend dealing with situations like this.
Sometimes I don’t have the patients and energy to deal with any of it.
The day we spoke, I did.
My reply was something along the lines of;
“In all honesty;
A lot of my friendships have changed.
I’ve been really sick and I’ve gotten a lot worse over the last 12 months.
I barely have energy to manage my day to day on a good day.
I get spurts of 2-3 good days and I have to harness those but being chronically sick and it essentially getting to a point of taking over my life, being a mom, being a wife, running my own business
– it’s a lot.
I’ve been chemically induced into menopause for the last 9 months too which changes my mental stability as well.
I’ve lost a lot of friendships, well I wouldn’t say I lost they’ve just subsided.
At this point I have to look out for myself and help myself as much as I can and for the first time in a long time, start putting myself first.
My close friends and those who support me get it, understand it and aid me in all of it.
They don’t hold it against me.
We talk about it when situations arise, but mainly they are understanding and compassionate about it all.
The last year to year and a half have been really hard.
I am sorry if it’s offended you, made you sad or upset, or even pissed you off at points.
But I am not the same person I used to be, if you want to support me and continue through our friendship than that’s awesome, if it’s to much of a change for you than I understand that and that’s okay.”
A lot of people wouldn’t be okay with it, a lot of people would be upset with the loss’s that are accompanied with what chronic illness takes from you.
But there are many more important and pressing issues that illness takes away than friendships.
Friendships are important and its important to cherish and harness those great friendships. And especially in dealing with things such as chronic illness’s friendships of support and compassion are the ones we need to keep close by our side.
The hardest part I find that I have with friendships and when situations like this arise, is I wouldn’t have had any idea that this person was upset with me or upset about where we stood if I didn’t push and pry for more answers.
I noticed a while back that she had stopped following my social media platform, and within this conversation is when I found out that her hurt feelings of where our friendship had gone was the reason she stopped following my journey.
Which in all honest just shows where the compassion, empathy, understanding and support of it all lays.
I have my people.
I have my support.
I have my family.
I have my friends.
But above all else, I have myself.
And I am finally in a place where I am more than comfortable and confident with myself.
If you want to support, love and understand this journey along side of me, I am truly grateful.
If your more concerned with the way things used to be, I am sorry to tell you but things won’t be the way they were.
I have come to terms with that, and so have others around me, but I understand that change is hard.
I will always be here for my friends when they need me, but I need to be here for myself first.