How I Really Feel


I have been asked a lot this last week “how are you feeling about your surgery?”

And honestly it’s such a loaded question I don’t even know where to begin.
Even sitting down to write out this blog post about it has me feeling over whelmed. 

Its as if my mind is running a mile a minute and my fingers grazing along the keyboard just can’t keep up with the over whelming merry go round that my brain is currently in.

I am keeping myself beyond busy, like BUSY!!!
mentally, emotionally and physically.

My job is busy as always, I am keeping my free times filled with endo advocacy projects as well as focusing on future projects as well. 

I guess it’s a default I am putting my mind into so that I don’t really sit back and think about the surgery itself. 

One thing my husband said to me yesterday was “I am feeling okay about it because its all done laparoscopically, they don’t have to open you fully up” 

I laughed internally while I smirked at him. I wasn’t going to be the one who tells him there is still risk with any surgery no matter how big or small.

If that is what is keeping his mind at ease that i’ll just let him be with it. 

But how do I feel about it, and I am not talking about how I feel about it in a basic sense but like how do I REALLY FEEEEEL about it…that’s been the hard question to answer lately.

I am nervous.

I am excited.

I am petrified.

I am anxious.

I am relieved.

I am happy.

I am smiling while I am also ready to vomit.

That sums it up in a nutshell.
It’s not confusing at all is it haha!

Any surgery is nerve wracking lets be honest. No one actually ENJOYS surgery, but unfortunately its inevitable. 

I am nervous over the fact that its going to be in and around 6-8 hours. My longest surgery to date was 3 years ago and that was my hysterectomy coming in at just over 3 hours.
This one is over double that time frame, not that I am going to notice the time difference but its still something to think about.

I am excited to have this done, I am excited to have answers, I am excited to get off of orilissa. I am excited to gain some relief and to hopefully get back to doing the things that this disease has ripped from me. 

I am petrified over the fact that someone is going into my lung cavity, it just gives me the jitters when I sit back and think about it. 

I am anxious of the anxiety I will feel while waiting the 2 hours as I prep for surgery. I remember it so well the last 3 surgeries I have had, and it has to be the worst feeling in the world. The pit of your stomach is turning. Your hands are freezing. You have a horrible taste in your mouth and you are utterly exhausted. 

I am relieved it’s happening at the hospital that it is happening at. Its one of the top hospitals in Ontario, I always joke and say when something goes really wrong its the hospital you get sent to, since I am already there its going to be okay! (for my fellow Ontario’s I am having surgery at McMaster in Hamilton)

I am happy that I am truly in amazing hands!
I couldn’t ask for better surgeons!
I have the longest standing excision specialist in Canada as well as a well known highly trained thoracic surgeon as well. 

I am smiling thanks to all the support that I have both physically beside me as well as my endo community online cheering me on, but I am also ready to vomit from all the things previously said. 

I am thankful for my blog along with my social media platform that I can document this journey. 

That I can educate and show other people in the same situation as myself that they are not alone. 

So here’s to surgery!!

Here’s to all the positive vibes, spoons, healing energies, powers above, skill, education and a dash of luck; that everything will be just fine!!!

By yellowbowsxo

Figuring out how to raise two human beings, while managing an invisible chronic illness.
Follow along this crazy journey I call life.
Mom of Two Boys
Pelvic & Thoracic Endometriosis

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