Category: My Thoughts

For the average person it doesn’t take up too much mind space, effort or conscious mind space.
Most people use this space to share videos and photos of their weekly, bi weekly and sometimes monthly milestones in life.

A place to share their kids moments, their greatest achievements or even a weekend around a campfire with friends.
you share and then think not much else of it.

For others it can create an entire different concept.
It can become a space of judgment; one of which are often put upon ourselves by our own self conscious.
A place where you start to compare yourself to others sharing all of the highlights on social media and then turning inward on self reflection as to why you’re not achieving what it seems like everyone else is.

Social media is a highlight reel.

I have gone back and fourth in sharing on a normal day, all of the non highlights.
Share the raised voices.

Share the frustrations that we all come face to face with in a day.
Share the failures.
Share the hardships.
Yet for some reason, I still haven’t.
And why?

Ive thought on the why I haven’t shared, and the honest truth at the end of the day is; I don’t want to be faced with the judgement that I would than be faced with.
No one wants to share the hardships and then have to answer to or be judge by the hardships you have endured.

When hardships happen, whether its in dealing with your own self issues, your children’s issues or your marital issues, its hard enough to step back from the arguments within the day and beat yourself down, let alone deal with the scrutiny of others.

Life as we all know it right now is hard.
It’s hard on so many levels.

We are judging our selves, we are beating ourselves down and thinking we are not taking this time to create, be and do all the things we have set out to do, be and become.

Some of us may be rethinking our careers, our marriages, our parenting style and friendships.

Thats all heavy stuff, thats all a lot to decipher through while dealing with a pandemic and being left essential to our own devices to spend time within ourselves, which to be honest we have never had that time to do before, at least for an extended period of time.

All I have to say is;

Be kind to yourself.
Be patient with yourself.
Be patient with those around you.
Give yourself the permission to break.
Break from social media.
Break from friendships.
Break from the overwhelming feeling of needing to be “on point”.

Take a deep breath, and know at the end of the day, it will all work out, it will be the way that it is fully intended to be.
For we are apart of the universe but the universe is far stronger than anything we can control.

 

It’s a strange time in the world right now.
No one seems to know what think, how to feel, what to do or more importantly what not to do.

We all seem to be grasping for answers, stability and structure. Yet all we are given at this moment is more questions than answers, more instability and an increase is disfunction.
How do you feel during all of these things?
What are you supposed to do during these crazy times?

When we now have the time, everyone is talking about being forced into this creative time. Forced into spending time with your family and being forced to do all the things you haven’t had the time for before.
But where is the motivation? Where is the passion or purpose around any of when there is this sense of doom that is hovering over the globe right now?

Seems like a pull of two worlds.
The world is ending, This is really bad, we need to fix this and this is awful.
VS.
Make the most of your time, enjoy the time alone, spend this time doing things you love.

I personally have very little enthusiasm, excitement, drive or energy for any of it.
Frig its taken me 2 weeks of this to sit down and actual write out a blog post.

Uncertain times calls or uncertain behaviours.

Stay Safe.
Stay Well.
Stay Healthy.
Stay Home.

♥

 

I assume my illness is at the point where it starts to become an inconvenience for others around me. 

It was brought to my attention the other day that an old friend of mine was upset with me.

She was upset of the fact that our friendship wasn’t what it used to be.

She was upset of the fact that a phone call didn’t get returned. 

She was upset of the fact that we aren’t as close as we used to be. 

Her theory as to why this has happened was “I guess thats what happens as you get older and people just grow apart and I guess its time to put the big girl pants on and deal with the reality of it.”

Sometimes I have the patients and energy to spend dealing with situations like this. 

Sometimes I don’t have the patients and energy to deal with any of it. 

The day we spoke, I did. 

My reply was something along the lines of;

“In all honesty; 

A lot of my friendships have changed. 

I’ve been really sick and I’ve gotten a lot worse over the last 12 months.

I barely have energy to manage my day to day on a good day. 

I get spurts of 2-3 good days and I have to harness those but being chronically sick and it essentially getting to a point of taking over my life, being a mom, being a wife, running my own business 

– it’s a lot. 

I’ve been chemically induced into menopause for the last 9 months too which changes my mental stability as well. 

I’ve lost a lot of friendships, well I wouldn’t say I lost they’ve just subsided. 

At this point I have to look out for myself and help myself as much as I can and for the first time in a long time, start putting myself first.

My close friends and those who support me get it, understand it and aid me in all of it. 

They don’t hold it against me. 

We talk about it when situations arise, but mainly they are understanding and compassionate about it all. 

The last year to year and a half have been really hard.

I am sorry if it’s offended you, made you sad or upset, or even pissed you off at points. 

But I am not the same person I used to be, if you want to support me and continue through our friendship than that’s awesome, if it’s to much of a change for you than I understand that and that’s okay.”

A lot of people wouldn’t be okay with it, a lot of people would be upset with the loss’s that are accompanied with what chronic illness takes from you. 

But there are many more important and pressing issues that illness takes away than friendships. 

Friendships are important and its important to cherish and harness those great friendships. And especially in dealing with things such as chronic illness’s friendships of support and compassion are the ones we need to keep close by our side. 

The hardest part I find that I have with friendships and when situations like this arise, is I wouldn’t have had any idea that this person was upset with me or upset about where we stood if I didn’t push and pry for more answers. 

I noticed a while back that she had stopped following my social media platform, and within this conversation is when I found out that her hurt feelings of where our friendship had gone was the reason she stopped following my journey. 

Which in all honest just shows where the compassion, empathy, understanding and support of it all lays. 

I have my people.

I have my support. 

I have my family.

I have my friends.

But above all else, I have myself.

And I am finally in a place where I am more than comfortable and confident with myself. 

If you want to support, love and understand this journey along side of me, I am truly grateful. 

If your more concerned with the way things used to be, I am sorry to tell you but things won’t be the way they were. 

I have come to terms with that, and so have others around me, but I understand that change is hard. 

I will always be here for my friends when they need me, but I need to be here for myself first. 

♥